Guest Star Audrey King

Click here for me teaching awkward! There's about a minute of vid starting at 1:38, I'm explaining how to play a flashcard game to my fourth graders. This is from an "inspirational" video at our 保山 Professional Development Conference.

Best part is when Cody sleeps because he thinks a cat is a monster.

我想吻一个吻题

I have a fifth grader who kisses me everyday after class. The first time, I had told her I liked her grasshopper eraser while I was walking around checking their work. I mean, this is the coolest eraser I’ve ever seen; it’s a life-size fucking grasshopper. I said 我喜欢这个, and after class she told me to have it. I refused but she insisted, and now I have this cool-ass eraser. Anyway, then she asked, ‘wo keyi wen yi xia ma?’ Me thinking it was the 问问题的问, so I was like sure! I love questions. But no, she meant 亲吻的吻 and kissed my cheek, saying ‘I love you’ in English. I asked my local teacher friends if this was normal and they just shrugged. Now she doesn’t even ask: she waits for all the other kids to file out while trying to make small talk, and then kisses me before I even have the chance to say ‘I’m fine thanks.’ It’s bizarre and probably sweet, but when your whole relationship revolves around kisses and I love yous, it feels pretty cheap, you know?

A Few Words of Advice to the New Foreign Fellow

Alright, there’s a pretty solid chance that some other American will come riding through my school gates on a white horse, here to save the day.

When my local teachers broke the news, they expected me to celebrate, “明年另外一个外国朋友要来。你应该很高兴!”

“不知道高不高兴,” I said smiling nervously, “可能他非常优秀，你们就最喜欢他。但是如果他差死了，我就不喜欢.” This is both in jest and quite serious. If this new fellow has immaculate Chinese, prior teaching experience, a 认真 work ethic, or an inkling of humor, they’re going to be a huge hit with the other teachers. But if they’re a really annoying slacker, well I definitely don’t want to deal with that either. Can’t I just be the prized foreign teacher forever?

But I figure if this asshole is going to show up at my school, they should at least play by my rules. So I've taken the time to write a few tips to this lucky (doomed) new fellow.

Tip One: You’re Taking the Fifth Graders

SIXTH AND FOURTH ARE MINE. You hear me? Mine. The current fourth graders made me cry once, so like, you can have them.

Tip Two: Be Male

Normally I would never make such sexist demands, but you see, I have a pretty good thing going with the female circle. I’m not popular exactly, but let’s just say that the people who matter like me. The male circle, however, is a complete enigma. If you’re really going to exist at my school, you could at least be doing detective work into the life of 吴老师. Does he have a wife or kids? Does he have joy or sorrow? Does he own footwear other than house slippers? This is a tall task. Good luck.

Tip Three: Fall in Love With 彭智文

Now this may or may not contrast with tip two (who knows), but if you’re the hero I imagine you to be, you can make it happen. My current insurmountable co-fellow is a humble genius, a polite powerhouse, and a marathoner in everything he does. So just get the 谈恋爱 over with so that everyone will stop insisting I do. And he won’t be 班主人 next year! (Read: plenty of time for courtship.)

Tip Four: Hide Your Hidden Talents

I don’t care if you can juggle flaming torches while playing the cello, dude—keep that shit to yourself. These kids love me because my thumbs bend backwards, no one needs your fancy yo-yo tricks. Isn’t this the directionless time in your life to take up a new hobby? Perhaps ukuleles interest you…

Tip Five: Bring a Coat, etc.

No one warned me that 云南 actually gets really fucking cold—don’t go into a glacial depression like I did. Charm the locals and learn some local dialect. Start planning your October break now before the prices go up. Kids like stickers but China doesn’t have them, stock up in the states. Or planners, bring a planner. Wash your underwear in boiling water sans socks. Buy things from 永安 locals and you might not have to buy them at all. Be happy that you’ve been chosen to teach at the best school, in the best city, in the best region. Welcome! I hate you.

Reppin' the Imperialists with One Choice Fashion Accessory

A good friend came to 听课 and snapped these photos of my 6th(1) class. I love when people come to observe because my kids behave like little pups. Featuring my dearest, most beloved, functional smartboard.

This girl is so smart, so sassy, and such a leader. She has a better command of the classroom than I do.

That moment when I realize I'm completely unqualified as a teacher

TPR for "is"

These kids are awesome, but never have I ever seen them all paying attention unless there's a video camera behind them.

TPR for "tofu"

Teaching English: The Final Throwdown

This past week all the first-year English teachers of 界头 were to come together and compete for the most revered title this side of China: Number One English Teacher. Seven English teachers from various elementary schools, two endless incomprehensible meetings, a panel of scrutinizing judges, and a 听课 (class observing) marathon.

Though some tried to dazzle with elaborate powerpoints (wow did that image just have an animation AND a sound effect?), most tried to emphasize their flawless pronunciation of the word 'the' (did you know very few languages have a voiced dental fricative? Aka th in the). We were given grading sheets and expected to assign a score to each person's performance. Sadly, I pulled in at a mere second. Madeline "no, I don't need a smartboard" Christensen took the title, and won the hearts of third graders throughout the land.

It was a ridiculous two-day event in which myself and Maddy, another TFC fellow, were regarded as English-teaching prophets sent to spread the TPR word. I spent about 30 minutes making my powerpoint and arrived late to class, while other teachers had obviously spent hours and hours perfecting their lesson plan. Sure, as native speakers we can say English pretty good, but shouldn't the hard work of these local teachers be recognized, if not rewarded? It's beyond uncomfortable to be pitted against each other in a 'competition' and then automatically be chosen as superior. We were even asked to give our feedback first, before the judges who are experienced teachers, and over the other participants who weren't asked to speak at all. Although I appreciate the idea of coming together as novice English teachers to 听课 , I think ranking us is an unnecessary amount of pressure. But kudos to our forward-thinking 领导 (government officials) for coming up with something constructive, despite the somewhat misled execution.

Some Awkward Pics of Me Teaching

Who likes beef? [crickets]

But who likes cabbage? [everyone and their mom]

This is my 'I will cut you' stance

Sticker selection--most serious part of class

Kids don't know what goes on at the back

I received this high five graciously despite what this photo would have you believe