杨维菊

I have to do a brief profile on one of my best friends here. Her name is 杨维菊 Yang Weiju, she is 47 years old, she is a fifth-grade 班主任 (banzhuren), and teaches literature and science. She’s always cackling, feeds me as if I were starving, and today she carried me across campus on her back. In short, she’s hilarious.

We recently had a heart-to-heart over persimmons and dried papaya. She asked, “who’s your favorite teacher here?”

I rolled my eyes, “you, duhhh.”

We laughed. I wasn’t going to ask hers; I didn’t want her to feel like she should say the same to me, especially since nearly everyone here is her old friend.

“Yeah, you’re my favorite too.”

I thought I would compile some of her best quotes. (Note: I’ve taken a few liberties in translating the Chinese/local dialect/hand gestures.)

[Drinks soup from serving bowl] “I guess this isn’t too civilized…. yeah I don’t give a fuck either.”

“I hear Americans don’t care how low their shirts are. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know when your boobs are hanging out.”

“Let go drink 白酒 baijiu!” [I drink] “Oh I can’t, I have high blood pressure.”

“My kids love me. They fear me, but they love me.”

“Let’s go steal fruit from the other teachers.”

“I might be old, I might be ugly, but I sure am funny as hell.”