Alright, there’s a pretty solid chance that some other
American will come riding through my school gates on a white horse, here to
save the day.
When my local teachers broke the news, they expected me to
celebrate, “明年另外一个外国朋友要来。你应该很高兴!”
“不知道高不高兴,” I said smiling nervously, “可能他非常优秀，你们就最喜欢他。但是如果他差死了，我就不喜欢.” This is both in jest and quite serious. If this new fellow has
immaculate Chinese, prior teaching experience, a 认真 work ethic, or an inkling
of humor, they’re going to be a huge hit with the other teachers. But if
they’re a really annoying slacker, well I definitely don’t want to deal with
that either. Can’t I just be the prized foreign teacher forever?
But I figure if this asshole is going to show up
at my school, they should at least
play by my rules. So I've taken the time to write a few tips to this lucky (doomed) new
fellow.
Tip One: You’re Taking the Fifth Graders
SIXTH AND FOURTH ARE MINE. You hear me? Mine.
The current fourth graders made me cry once, so like, you can have them.
Tip Two: Be Male
Normally I would never make such sexist demands,
but you see, I have a pretty good thing going with the female circle. I’m not popular
exactly, but let’s just say that the people who matter like me. The male circle,
however, is a complete enigma. If you’re really going to exist at my school,
you could at least be doing detective work into the life of 吴老师. Does he have a wife or
kids? Does he have joy or sorrow? Does he own footwear other than house
slippers? This is a tall task. Good luck.
Tip Three: Fall in Love With 彭智文
Now this may or may not contrast with tip two
(who knows), but if you’re the hero I imagine you to be, you can make it
happen. My current insurmountable co-fellow is a humble genius, a polite
powerhouse, and a marathoner in everything he does. So just get the 谈恋爱 over with so that
everyone will stop insisting I do. And he won’t be 班主人 next year! (Read: plenty of time for courtship.)
Tip Four: Hide Your Hidden Talents
I don’t care if you can juggle flaming torches
while playing the cello, dude—keep that shit to yourself. These kids love me
because my thumbs bend backwards, no one needs your fancy yo-yo tricks. Isn’t
this the directionless time in your life to take up a new hobby? Perhaps
ukuleles interest you…
Tip Five: Bring a Coat, etc.
No one warned me that 云南 actually gets
really fucking cold—don’t go into a glacial depression like I did. Charm the
locals and learn some local dialect. Start planning your October break now
before the prices go up. Kids like stickers but China doesn’t have them, stock
up in the states. Or planners, bring a planner. Wash your underwear in boiling
water sans socks. Buy things from 永安 locals and you might not have to buy them at all. Be happy that you’ve been chosen to teach at the best school,
in the best city, in the best region. Welcome! I hate you.
